Has Beens

Tonight I let myself do what I never do. I ventured past 'here' to 'then', and allowed myself to go along with a night that was presently happening but based on thoughts and feelings circa 2004. It was odd, meeting up after several years of " not meeting-up". Despite previous meetings and encounters that did not always end on the best note, there was still something between us -- whether that could be descibed as attraction, or joy at seeing a person from before, I don't know. Neither I nor my drinking buddy for the night knew what that meant.

Within a matter of minutes of agreeing to hang out on this rainy Friday night, old patterns and old roles began to play out. Me bringing the 'let's have fun vibe', he bringing the 'let's have fun my way' vibe. And as always was the case, we wash each other out. He interrupts my stories; I don't think his are funny. I find the silver lining; He just wants to complain. I am drinking my wine froom Spain; he is drinking a beer faster than the speed of light. Its just not fun. It wasnt' then, and it's not now... despite how easy it seems for two people who have known each other for 6 years to enjoy each other's company. With him, its impossible.

Somethings just don't change, even though time passes. At one point, I wanted this person to be in my life in a major way, but those days have long passed. Present day, I was open to creating a friendship due to the fact that we knew each other so long, but honestly, I think this guy is incapable of such.

And when words I was saying were butchered due to the entire bar screaming along to Michael Jackson and he thought I said something totally than I did, I couldn't even be bothered to explain myself. Because if I did, the night would end well, and there would be the option to hang out again. And why do that, when I know nights with him never reach higher than 'okay' at best? That's not the way I have been living this year, and its not okay to be fine with 'okay'. I have a better time alone!

So we parted ways, probably for the last time. And despite our history, I was more than okay with that.