Friday, July 31, 2009

Girly Me

My parents are probably as amused by the way I turned out, as am I when I think that they are my parents. My dad is a football coach -- tried and true, if its football he knows everything about it. My mom is a do-it-yourself kind of woman -- even tiling kitchen flowers, rebuilding patios, gardening, etc. Both of my parents have very masculine energies (my mom being softer of course). Maybe I have some of these energies, but for the most part I am all girl. I couldn't imagine being any other way.

I love girly things. I love the color pink. I love taking forever to get ready. I love wearing dresses. I love dainty items and sparkly shoes. I love playing 'dress up' -- both when I was 5 and now at almost-32. I love bubble baths and fresh flowers. I love putting ribbons on pets, and adorning my own hair with bows or braids. I love manicures and pedicures and feeling pampered. I love shopping and fixing up things and making them beautiful.

Of course, one could argue that what makes me a girl is two x chromosomes...and none of my silly ramblings matter. But definitely is more than that...

Although 32 years ago, I doubt my parents knew just how feminine I would turn out... especially in my tom-boy stage when I wore jeans and a ponytail everyday! But here I am now..

I love being a girl. Its one of things I am really 'good at'. And definitely the role I am meant to fit.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

One Life

This morning I did something that many people would tell me not to do... ever. I cleaned out my work email. Scary stuff, right?

The work part -- not so scary. I could delete and demolish there.

Its the little folder marked 'Pre-2009' that I decided to tackle, although I saved it for last. In it were files from the wedding that was supposed to take place in April of this year, all of the events that go along with tying the knot, and last but not least, every email I had ever exchanged with my ex and his family.

Its crazy, but deleting here wasn't as complicated or painful as I thought it would be. There were some funny things that made me laugh. Cute things that made me remember. Sad and angry bits that did bring up some painful feelings. And loads of insanity that more than reminded me why I left in the first place. It took less than 30 minutes to go through it all, and then I could delete the 'Pre-2009' folder. There was nothing in it.

There were a few things I held onto -- legal contracts, photos, etc. -- but most I tossed. What I kept, I merged in with my other folders that I usually use every day. This act alone was symbolic to me, because I am one person with one life and I should file those life experiences in one set of folders. I had a great life prior to 2009, and is shown from fun emails with friends and family I found when cleaning out those folders.

My life didn't just start this year. It did get turned around, and back on track, and seems amazingly better than where I was a year ago before my birthday. But still, all this is still my life... my one life. The one life I have to try and get this thing called 'life' right...if its even possible to do it wrong.

It felt good to bring all my experiences --happy, sad, lovely, amazing, cheerful, painful -- together into one place. Because that is where I am. Here, in one place.

In A New York Minute...

Last night I was walking home from work, I was responding to an email from our COO who had minor surgery the past two days. As I was writing "just want to reiterate how thrilled I am with recent changes..." it dawned on my that to her I could be talking about a number of things.

My COO, is also my boss, and also a mentor to me in many ways. She knows what goes on in my life, and she also knows that I just moved to an apartment down the street from her.

Within one week, my role at the office has totally changed. From managing interns and employee recruiting to managing manuscripts and global conferences. I am loving my new gig at the office. It suits me. I feel challenged. I feel involved. I feel impowered. And I feel valued. I also think this is the perfect job for me, so it works well.

Also in this same week, I have moved. Another temporary apartment, but still its a new home, new neighborhood and new surroundings. I am very happy here for the next six weeks.

Its crazy how quickly things change here, how things changing causes a shift in perception on many levels, and I am once again content with my New York life. I will be happy here the next few months, until my next New York minute, when everything changes again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Land of 'I Don't Know'

Ever since getting back to the city, I have found there are situations I just don't know how to handle. There are things I just don't know how to say. There are things I just don't know how to do. I attempt to do it with my past New York voice, but I am no longer that person. And when I say or do anything with the 'how I truly feel card' I get responses that leave alot to be desired.

Whatever am I talking about? Well, here are a few examples...

-- two single people hang out, one is male, the other female, when you part ways with no 0bvious interest in hanging out again what do you say? Especially when the meeting was suggested by your family.

--Your best friend has hung out with a guy you are currently befriending, and it didn't work between them, but you are only wanting to be friends with him, how much do you tell your friend? How much is too little? How much too much?

--You spend two weeks with a guy in different country than your own, there is a quiet chemistry that flows through two said two weeks, when you return, what does it mean?

These situations and many more follow me through my New York life, and in my case, every day this week. I do and say things because I want to, and some because I feel like I should... I truly want to be operating out of the most honest, and sincere part of me, but such acts seem to get lost in translation.

Part of me feels like I never fit into this hodgepodge of rushing here and there, 'crackberry' central, don't think - just do mentality...

And the truth is, maybe I never did, and maybe I never will. New York City for me, for now, seems to be one great big 'i don't know' after the other. But when operating in fluid motion, 'I don't know' is 5,000 times better than 'set in stone'.

Sometimes it is all about you.

There is something obviously going on in the universe... at least in my small space within such universe. Within 12 hours, two people I had been wondering about as friends proved they should be crossed off that list. I find it funny that it was these two people inparticular that showed their true colors in one evening, as I would describe each of them as being "my most selfish friend"... I like them, but the "Its all about me show" is annoying after awhile. For sometime I had been wondering if each was capable of being more, capable of being a friend that I can count on. I now have my answer.

I always find it intriguing how the universe brings about these 'spring cleaning' episodes when we least expect it. And yet once done, you feel so much cleaner and honest and real. I don't like feeling otherwise, and now, when it comes to friendships, I don't have to.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


There are things in life we just know. Last week, I knew in my heart of hearts that something was going to happen to allow me to stay in New York beyond August. I knew the plans I had made would happen - maybe in a different way than originally planned - but they would happen.
The news from the office last Friday, while slightly different than expected, was very much what I thought I would hear. The euphoria of having my wish come true (and my intuition prove correct), led to a fantastic weekend spent with friends celebrating the fact that I had gotten what I wanted.

As the weekend came to a close, Friday's news seemed to bring another series of hurdles regarding my new role, and whether or not it will be temporary or not. That question is really up to me. I grappled with this all night, as I packed up my apartment to move to a temporary setting through August.

And this morning, as I woke to storm clouds and rain pouring outside my answer and headed to the gym amongst people dressed in black and typing fiercely on their blackberries. 'I don't want that', I heard myself saying.

Throughout my workout, all I thought about was Spain. My pending travels, my past happy times, and the question of not knowing when or how I was going to get there. And as I wrote back to a friend who was asking if her sister to could crash with me for a few days as she is moving to NYC tomorrow... The single act that brought me to New York, seven hears ago, hit me full force --I simply went. I knew I needed to be in NYC, and I went. I bought a one-way ticket, and I went. No job. No place to live. No friends or family. No nothing. And it all came together in ways I could not imagine.

When I got to Sevilla at the end of March, knew I had to live there. Not at some random, unknown point of my life, but NOW. When the year ends, that is meant to be my new home. I know that single fact just as clearly as I know its pouring buckets outside and I am wearing silver flip-flops. I know that is my next home. I know that is where I want to be, for me.

'Knowing' answers the question posed by my office. I am moving to Spain at the end of the year, if they want to send my new role with me, good for them (and me). But if not, then I will figure it out... Somehow, someway I will.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Be Careful What You Wish For...

For the past three weeks I have been in a very yucky spot -- mentally and emotionally, as most people would love living in NYC. Being someone who likes fluidity, I found myself in a position I don't do very well. I was stuck. Trapped. Held in place. I couldn't move forward as I was waiting on answers. And until those answers came, I was in a holding pattern.

I don't do 'circling' very well. I prefer moving forward. Sometimes I need to side-step to get to the next adventure, but its always about advancing, getting closer to the place I want to be in life.

This Friday, I became unstuck. The answer I had been waiting on, was more than I could hope for. I went from having an "or" to also having an 'and'... basically I have the potential to have my cake and eat it too.

This weekend I was on cloud 9, more for knowing I had a few more months in the city, and a job I would enjoy doing while I was here. I also have the potential for that "90 day job" to become a permanent thing, should I want it.

As the reality continued to set in, it hit me that after 2009 I would no longer be in New York. I don't know exactly where I will be, but it won't be in the big apple. I don't want to be here, that I know, and the position I am being considered for could very easily operate out of London, or Paris, or if I am really, really lucky, Spain.

Knowing my days in NYC are numbered really excites me. There is something else out there for me, I know that. But as this news and the new responsibilities set it... and the blackberry messages come pouring in... I don't know that what I want is more work. I don't know that at the end of 90 days I will want to continue down "this career path"... maybe I really do at this juncture want more. It won't be more money, that is for sure. But more happiness. More real genuine moments. More moments looking people in the eye than having to apologize for looking at a blackberry screen. More moments of breathing in happy thoughts, and exhaling negative ideas. More moments of focusing on me, than wondering what I should be doing for someone else.

I find myself feeling in someways like I am doing another version of 'circling'...circling in this career path, of getting restless, getting offered more money/responsibility, being satisfied for awhile, being pacified with a trip to London or elsewhere, and then getting restless again...Is that what I want?

I did get what I wanted, for the time being. I did get a summer, and now a fall in the big apple. I get to be 'state-side' to help my sister with her festival, attend a concert with my family, and have friends visit from Spain, and run my marathon. And then, I have to jet. I have to go elsewhere. If I do that with my company, or fly solo that is still TBD. And its exciting and frustrating all at the same point... And I know the answer will be staring at me clearly when I need it to be. And until that time, I will go back to my holding pattern.... but this time, I am getting to do what I want while I figure it out. And that is not such a bad place to he holding onto.