Monday, February 23, 2009

Taking Off

In my life of excitement and fun, I often forget to take a night in, for me, to regroup and collect my thoughts, catch up on my to-do list, and just breathe. So its odd that on a day when I make one of my most exciting purchases (Barcelona here I come!... as well as the rest of Southern Europe), I chose to celebrate by coming home putting on my flannel pjs adornned with ice cream cones, and snuggle up with Monday TV. It was a real treat. As I don't think I have spent a night like this since I have lived here. Being the Queen of Distraction it takes a lot for me to sit still and not get caught up in reorganizing something or a phone conversation or the blinking red light on my blackberry... but tonight I focused on TV and reordering my recipe binder, and turning it into a folder (but it was a small undergoing).

I cannot believe that in less than two weeks I will be bound for Europe, taking this trip that I have wanted to take for FOREVER. I am excited to get lost in a world where I don't speak its language, I don't know anyone, and just take it all in. I want to be a stranger in a strange land. I want to be an explorer. And mostly, I want to be a nomad...until I find a place I want to call home. I haven't found that place in my life... yet. But I think... make that, know... I will once I take the time for me that I have been promising myself for SO LONG.

I made arrangements for my own storage unit today... and I laugh as I look around at the few possessions I have. And after cleaning out a trunk I have even less. I realize more and more there is not really much I need/want. I read it once that by giving things away, you preserve the memory of them forever... and I feel like that. As I cast off practically all of my worldly possessions, I feel so much more free, much more light, so much more like me. And that is the most wonderful feeling of all.

My life had just gotten to be full of crap...stupid stuff that I thought I needed...a sombrero from a Mexican night, a cap and gown from a graduation that I will only wear again if I decide to go dressed as a Columbia graduate to Halloween, books that I will never read, and clothes that were always "kind of cool" but not really...

So I move forward with the things I truly want in life. They are few. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Keeping life small so you can dream big. Leaving extra room for the treasures we find along the way... or an extra bite we can't pass for something special to fit into our lives, into the space that we created.

That's really it. If you want something in your life, you have to make room for it... give it its space. My travels would have never been possible if I did not make room for them...and as I take a deep breath and relish in the idea that I am going to set out and do all I ever wanted to do... I feel truly blessed, and I am so thankful for every moment and every face that has led me here. Because I want to be HERE now. No where else. Just me and my cuddly pjs, a bit of Dido in the background, my few possessions surrounding me, and an adventure that is almost ready for the picking. Life truly is good.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Fantastic X 1,000,000

That's how I feel today. Fantastic X 1,000,000.

I asked for something that was written on my heart, and low and behold, it came true. If everything goes according to plan, on March 9 I will board a plane bound for Europe and not be back until sometime in May... and I will have a job when I get back!

In presenting my plan to my boss, I felt like a rock star. I couldn't back down, and for once I think she saw me for the passionate woman I am, and she knew -- like I know-- I would get what I wanted. I wouldn't settle for less.

And that's what this whole year is about. Not settling. Chasing after my dreams and making them happen. Not being afraid to ask for what I want, and passionately persuing my life.

I feel so alive right now, every cell in my body is tingling with excitement.

Today is a feeling I will never forget.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

10 Things that Annoy the Hell Out-of-me

1) Bad service in restaurants.

2) Guys that are sissies.

3) People that act like they will melt in the rain.

4) Tourists on Bleecker Street.

5) The garbage truck outside my window at 5AM.

6) Ambiguity.

7) Thinking something is on sale when its not.

8) The 603, 732, 845 numbers at work that keep calling me about my "car loan"

9) People who lie about stupid stuff.

10) Inflexibility.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Love - As told in Film

This weekend, I have done something I don't normally do. I have been to two films in two days. Last night I went to see "Two Lovers" with Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow; and today I went to see "He's Not That Into You". (Yesterday, being Valentine's Day, I thought my girlfriends and I should go see the second, but they were not having it so He's Not That Into You was seen the day AFTER V-day).

Given my current state of life and views of relationships, both of these brought interesting points to life which I don't know that anyone would get who is not just out of a long-term relationship that did not work out.

So, Two Lovers is about a guy who is de-engaged and living at home with his parents, and in the process falls in love with an emotionally unavailable female while sleeping with and pretending to date a woman that his parent's have chosen for him. He loves the one he can't have, but in the end chooses the other just because its easier and it makes sense...and he just happens to have a ring in his pocket at a party... a ring he intended to give to the other!

In He's Not That Into You, several long-term relationships and marriages are portrayed as unwanted, and habits, and basically jails where you can't be yourself and you can't grow. That you have to follow all these rules to find love. And after a certain amount of time you should be ready for the next step...whether or not you are, the important thing is taking that step vs. finding someone who makes you want to take that step together.

Basically from seeing both of these, its easy to say society and marriage-norms are screwed up. Few people commit for the right reasons anymore. So many people I know just 'want to be married' without caring who they are married to or wanting to focus on that relationship and make that healthy and prosperous. They see marriage as the goal vs. finding someone you can't live without. Its sad, because in the end committing for the wrong reasons only ends up screwing up so many people's lives. People don't want to be patient anymore, they don't want to put in the real and honest work that needs to happen that allows a relationship to grow and flourish. Everyone just wants a quick fix these days and when it comes to love and relationships there are just not any.

I often wonder if I will ever marry. For the longest time in my life I thought I wouldn't, and then watching my mom and sister marry, I reconsidered. Now I am back to being not-so-sure. What is marriage, really? I mean if you factor love out of it (which so many people do) its a piece of paper that says if you want out, you have to give me 50% of our combined assets. Who needs that? Who want's that?

I do know that if by the time I die, I find someone that I can truly love and they truly love me, and we are committed to each other, and have a happy and fulfilling life together, I don't think I will need more. I don't know that I will need to be someone's wife...I guess if there are children involved, yes, but other than that...I don't know that I will need it. Because having love in your heart is so much more meaningful than having a ring on your finger. I am open to finding this love I dream of, the love I want, the love I can't live without...and if that comes with a diamond, or a dress, or a wedding or none of the above, I will die a happy woman. The other is just for show, and I just want something true and honest... and I do believe its out there. Its rare that the universe ever shuts a door without at least opening a window...

Be Careful What You Wish For...You just might get it.

The one thing I said at the start of this year, is I want to be a nomad in all aspects of my life. I didn't want to be tied to a lease, a person, a job or anything else that doesn't support me finding my best self and my soul's purpose.

And while almost two months later, my wish not altered in anyway, its shocking how much of what I wished for is happening. Seriously, shocking.

I've written about the pending lay-offs at work, and how I have a big discussion on Tuesday with my boss who still has a job (for now). So that is very much TBD.

Then this morning I find out that I will not be able to stay in my apartment through March as I had hoped, which makes the whole idea of getting on a plane bound for Rome much more enticing and much more realistic...maybe as early as the 2nd week in March!

Its all so nutty. Everything I said I wanted -- to travel, to find out what career path to persue, to live alone, to find real love, to bask in the friendships I have made in NYC (both old and new) -- is starting to reveal itself. Granted everything still needs some time to percolate... but as I have reached out to my friends in my time of need, they have more than supported me, and in the process I have met new and interesting people -- some that I have shared a glass of wine or funny stories over coffee; some that I not interested in seeing again; some that I have seen and shared bottles of wine with and hope to share more as these new friendships become what they will. And trying new things and being close to my NYC family, has allowed me to reconnect with parts of myself that seemed to be lost, and in finding these I am reconnecting with my passions and what I want out of life and a career, and ultimately everything I ever wanted.

Slowly but surely its all coming together. And what they say IS true... Build it, and they will come. Ask, and you shall receive. Knock, and the door will be open. The greatest disservice we ever do for ourselves is to not ask for what we want most. Because when your truth and your hearts desire is written on your soul, the universe always answers...just sometimes a little more quickly than you might expect!

Friday, February 13, 2009


So the fallout of my boss getting ousted has left me more startled than I originally anticipated. Last night after meeting up with friends after work, I realized I needed to get home and figure things out... for me. Mainly, because after hearing the news I met with my other boss (our COO) who basically told me she could not guarantee I was not on "the list"... simply because she doubted my commitment. And I really don't blame her. Just a few weeks ago I sat in her office telling her I needed to take time off for me, which doesn't really show a great sign of commitment you know?

As I have thought about her question and the answer I must give her this upcoming Tuesday (God, if my horoscope could not be more intune with my life right now... ), the one thing that keeps coming to mind is a word of advice from a many, many years ago, "Only commit to the things that support you and your being your best self."

And as this year began, those words echoed in my head constantly as I walked away from my past relationship. And now as I contemplate my next career move they echo even louder. Because I can't commit to a career that I am not in love with, I can't commit to a company that doesn't support me and my needs. What is the point? Its up to me to live my best life and I have to do what I need to do.

I need to travel. I need to get back into the part of advertising I like, if not love. I need to pursue relationships that honor the things I cherish about life - passion, fun, honesty, truth, growth and true friendship. I need to continue down the path I started down when I landed in NYC on January 3, its the only way I will ever be happy. And if it means making the list... well, then c'e la vie! Its going to be great!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Everybody's living for the weekend...

So another weekend has past, and the only thing I have been guilty of is having too much fun. There have just been too many fun things to get into as of late, from hanging out with old friends at old favorites, to meeting out-of-towners for too many beers at NYC classics, and from meeting up with new faces just because I can, every weekend of 2009 has been filled with laughter and some kind of excitement.

Its really been great... minus hangovers and bleeding bank accounts. But hey, a girls got to have some fun sometime right?

In the downtime I found this weekend, I started planning my trip to Southern Europe and I am starting to get excited. Alot is still TBD, as I don't yet know how much vacay time I am allowed to take, but it should be figured out soon enough.

Life just feels good right now. I feel I have a pep in my step and an exuberant spirit ready to be out and mingling with fellow life-lovers. As a friend told me yesterday, "you just seem lighter". And I feel that way. Lighter and sparklier. Not a bad way to kick off 2009, eh?

Friday, February 6, 2009

Man Disorder 101

Whenever I meet a guy (or anyone for that matter) who is not as passionate about food and dining out as I am, I get a little concerned. At least when I try and imagine spending any time with them. I mean I love all aspects of food, from grocery shopping, to preparing a meal, to going out, to reading about restaurants and perusing menus weeks in advance of visiting a new spot. I am a foodie.

I don't put many limitations on what I eat, except that it has to be what I want. 80% of the time my choices are of the healthy variety, and because of that I let myself eat whatever I want pretty much all the time. I am female. I am 5'4" and I weigh 110 lbs. I maintain my weight in portion control, and I never skip meals or desert.

Many of my girl friends are the same way. Recently, I have found more guys who have a crazy aversion to food, and quite interestingly they are all from NYC. You would think that growing up here would lead to a more healthy attitude towards food but that doesn't seem to be the case. In fact just last night a guy told me "I love food! There are just 4 things I don't eat." I expected him to say licorice, or liver, or something other than "bread, potatoes, pasta and rice"... I mean that has to be some kind of disorder when you refuse to eat carbs, right? To me, it just seems so odd to hear coming from a guy! Its such a turn-off.

I understand 100% about cutting back from time to time, but not EVER eating bread? Or pasta? Come on, be a man!