Thursday, January 29, 2009

The 8's and the 2's

Once again I find myself at a stage of life, when the 8's and the 2's are my guides. Starting on 1/10, when I found my new apartment at 182, I knew. The 8s and the 2s have always been my symbols that I follow through life, and usually appear in an address, a phone number, a birthdate, a year, etc, etc. And when they do, and events like January are going on, I know it truly is all about me. And sometimes that's okay. Because truly, sometimes it is. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get to that place where you are ready to be more, whether or not that is conjunction with another. Sometimes you just gotta do it for you.

So as my January unfolded a ski trip was planned and as I am looking up places to go out around there, I can't help but notice the area code is '802'.

Its back to synchronicity for me. And it feels pretty damn good.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Day for Me

This morning I returned to my neighborhood, and in many ways I returned to myself. How I ever thought I could live on the UES is beyond me. I am such a down-towner. But back in my old stomping grounds, the pain of the past few days subsided a bit and I could do all the things I love to do on a Sunday afternoon. And I did.

I had Brunch at the Smith with my cousin. Which was fabulous and lovely.

I went to see a movie by myself, which has not happened in forever.

I have spent the evening hours snuggled at my favorite cafe with a glass of wine, taking care of work business.

Its nice to get back to the things I love, and the things I have missed for so long. I am not sure why I did not do them before, maybe it was for thinking that I couldn't do them alone since I was part of a pair, regardless, it felt good to do what I WANTED to do for a change.

Today was a good day.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Back to Me

So 2009 has started with a bang. Seriously.

Officially, J and I have broken up.

This was the hardest, most difficult and challenging decision in my life. So far.

Its so hard to say goodbye to someone you love. Its so hard to say goodbye to someone who was "almost", but not quite. Its so hard to say goodbye to someone with so much potential. Someone you invisioned your future with, your life with, and all that comes after you with.

But somethings are not meant to be, and right now, neither are we.

When we met today, J wanted to talk about how he had changed, how he was different, etc. etc. And I didn't know whether to be angry or sad. He waited until I am really out the door to want to make the changes he has been promising for over 1/2 our relationship? Please... Is that really the best you can do?

Regardless of the frustration that led to this decision, right now it sucks. Break ups are never easy. I have had moments where I have been back to my confident self who thinks she can do anything. I have had moments of weakness. Moments of tears. And moments like last night where I laughed my ass off (hadn't done that in awhile). Bottomline, like relationships, break ups take all of you in order to let go and move on to the next era of your life. You've got to really clean out and get to the core of what you want and who you are, so the mistakes from the past are not so easy to make... again.

When I think of how we started out, I can't help but tear up at how happy we were, how everything just fit, how great everything was. How it got so twisted to the past year of unhappiness, I don't know that we can ever figure it out.

I kept asking for change, and the only change I got was Obama. So I will move forward with what seems like the "only change I can believe in" and see where 2009 leads.

I am ready to be a nomad for a while. Wander around until I find the place I want to be. That is the only thing I am holding myself responsible for, is to be settled at a place of my choosing by year's end. So I have twelve months to figure it out, and the clock is ticking. Best get going on the life I want for me, and maybe before too long there will be someone that fits with me again, and maybe this time it will work out... and if not, something else will. It always does.

Comes The Dawn
Submitted by:
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learnThat even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...With every goodbye you learn

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Blondes DO have more fun!

See? And all he is doing is sitting in a chair!