Back to Me

So 2009 has started with a bang. Seriously.

Officially, J and I have broken up.

This was the hardest, most difficult and challenging decision in my life. So far.

Its so hard to say goodbye to someone you love. Its so hard to say goodbye to someone who was "almost", but not quite. Its so hard to say goodbye to someone with so much potential. Someone you invisioned your future with, your life with, and all that comes after you with.

But somethings are not meant to be, and right now, neither are we.

When we met today, J wanted to talk about how he had changed, how he was different, etc. etc. And I didn't know whether to be angry or sad. He waited until I am really out the door to want to make the changes he has been promising for over 1/2 our relationship? Please... Is that really the best you can do?

Regardless of the frustration that led to this decision, right now it sucks. Break ups are never easy. I have had moments where I have been back to my confident self who thinks she can do anything. I have had moments of weakness. Moments of tears. And moments like last night where I laughed my ass off (hadn't done that in awhile). Bottomline, like relationships, break ups take all of you in order to let go and move on to the next era of your life. You've got to really clean out and get to the core of what you want and who you are, so the mistakes from the past are not so easy to make... again.

When I think of how we started out, I can't help but tear up at how happy we were, how everything just fit, how great everything was. How it got so twisted to the past year of unhappiness, I don't know that we can ever figure it out.

I kept asking for change, and the only change I got was Obama. So I will move forward with what seems like the "only change I can believe in" and see where 2009 leads.

I am ready to be a nomad for a while. Wander around until I find the place I want to be. That is the only thing I am holding myself responsible for, is to be settled at a place of my choosing by year's end. So I have twelve months to figure it out, and the clock is ticking. Best get going on the life I want for me, and maybe before too long there will be someone that fits with me again, and maybe this time it will work out... and if not, something else will. It always does.

Comes The Dawn
Submitted by: heidegret
Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today,

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learnThat even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...That you really are strong,

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...With every goodbye you learn