Out with the old, and in with the new.

I love that today is June 1. I love that after two days of moving into my new apartment in NYC, I am starting work and my summer in the city today, on a 1st, with a start that is so promising.

After three months of travel, 10 weeks in Europe, 10 days in Jax Beach, I had two days of in-between-time. From "there" to "here". Getting back to NYC was a bit of a jostle to my system. Faces I had not seen in three months were back. Relationships that have had a questionmark hanging over them in my time away now needed an answer. Things I had not thought about in so long were now back with a vengence and I kept asking myself, 'is this really what I want?'

So how did I deal? Like any helpless romantic does. I played music from Feria, and songs I listened to during my joyous days in Spain. I perused fun photos from my fabulous adventure. And I found myself wanting to be back there -- with the people I loved, and the life I loved more.

New York can be a harsh reality for even the strongest of souls.

And then today I snapped out of it. Wanting to be "there" would only allow the potential of a fantabulous summer to elude me. Wanting to escape current situations would keep me from the "here" I have learned to seek. Failing to be honest with myself, and honest with those around me, would only layer on junk -- and my nomadic spirit just doesn't like to travel with too much baggage these days.

I am not going to do it all again. Repeat old patterns. Hold my tongue so I have a better vantage point. Be passive when there is something I so badly want to do. This time is different. Because I am different. The games of this city are not as much fun as they used to be. Real. Honest. True. That is all I seek these days. I can't live with less. And I know now I don't have to.

As a five hour siesta yesterday kept me awake at all hours, I pondered a situation that I had been mulling in my mind for a while now. And I asked myself, "what if I just threw it back?" Like a fish caught from the lake, that is decent in size, not the biggest and definitely not the best. Why hold on if I know I can have better? Sure, I will have to keep fishing... but on warm summer evenings is that really so bad?

Knowing that I don't have to keep what I don't want may be one of the greatest lessons of this year. Potential only goes so far. Half-way is still only half-way. And after sometime away from this silly little place, I know I will always want more than this city can offer.

Driving across the Williamsburg Bridge on Saturday I laughed as I felt I was gearing up to play a role in some gigantic movie set called "Manhattan". And maybe I always have played a 'role"have since I lived here. 'Southern belle takes on Manhattan', and of course I had the lead. Learning to do things the New York way. Obeying the social codes of the city. Following the direction of some imaginary producer that never really had my best interest at heart... and I asked myself again, "is this what you want?"

And the answer is no. I don't want what I did seven years ago when I moved here. This summer, I want my life -- the one I create, the one I direct -- in the city. The fantastic one I led in Spain and Italy, but with a different back drop. I did it there, I will do it here. I have learned that I can do anything I put my mind too. I can have everything I want. I just have to believe in something greater, somthing larger than Manhattan. And after being away for so long, I know that 'that something' is me.

Its going to be one hot summer that is for sure.