What goes down, must go up....

I am a big believer in life having balance. For the times you are sad, you will have equally ecstatic moments. For the times you feel like a dumb-ass, you have equal amounts of feeling like Einstein. And for the times you are in a downward spiral, you will soon be on the upswing. Its just the way life works.

Of course there are times when that 'upswing' is just taking too long to gain its momentum, and for me that day was yesterday.

Prior to that I had been slowly spiraling downward, and by yesterday evening I was overwhelmed with all I was feeling. I was 'here' and 'there' at the same moment, with about 10 other 'here nor theres' thrown in. My head was in a tailspin. When I got to my girlfriends house my woes and uncertainties were all on the table in a matter of moments. Work.... life... friends... boys... apartments... travel... you name it, and it was probably there. Everything seemed to be hitting a breaking point, and emotionally I was hitting mine.

Alot of my emotions stemmed from the fact that I chose to be a bit of a nomad/vagabound/tumbleweed and live foot-loose and fancy free for this year. Tied down, I am not. And I like that. But on the flip side there is often the feeling of having nothing to cling too. And that can be hard. Sometimes even tumbleweeds want to sit still for a moment.

At this moment all of the possibilities were staring at me, all of the uncertainties seemed 5x more uncertain, and any ounce of stability I had been able to pile beneath my feet seemed to be slipping away.

With all my emotional issues spread out over my friend's couch and flowing onto the floor, I realized that what I was really having issue with is too many options. There is just too much I can do right now -- stay in NYC, move to Europe, move to the beach, go to grad school, become a nunn, etc. etc. As much as I love this open-ended phase of my life there are some times that it is just so damn hard to stay focused... especially in this crazy city I choose to live. In the 30 mins it took to walk to Sarah's house, I swear I had about 30 thoughts about my next move in life. All polar-opposite from the one that came before it.

As my woes ceased from spilling forth, my friend became the sage that she is and gave me some of the best advice ever: soak it up. The right decision will be easy to make, but soak up as much as you can interms of emotional/mental stimuli to make sure you FEEL the way to the right decision. And soak up this time in your life because times are coming when you will be more grounded and you will wish you had more options... but that day, is not today.

Realizing a decision didn't have to be made tomorrow or even the next day was comforting... After 8 months I still don't know what I want. But knowing that I did not have to know put me at ease. And I know that when that time comes to 'know' I will be ready to make a decision. But until then I am still foot-loose and fancy free... and slowly on the upswing to feeling like myself again.