What NOT to do at a wedding

When it comes to what one shouldn't do at a wedding, I could probably write a few chapters based on my own wedding antics that have led to some hilarious stories to tell over the years.

--There was the time I drank a bit too much and made fun of my ex-boyfriend's friend for not having much hair (i.e, Are you sure its there? Because I am struggling to see it... -- I wasn't trying to be mean, I just was being honest...)

--There was the time that as a single person I has chosen another single person to be 'my date' and then promptly confused him with someone else and ended up making out with the wrong date.

--There was the time I drank too much at the pre-rehearsal dinner and then got sick all over the condo that I was sharing with 5 people. Room service took 14 hours to clean it up... and our AC wasn't working...BAD NEWS.

--There was the time when I RAN FROM the bouquet toss and upset my boyfriend at the time.

I could go on and on, but the truth is when it comes to weddings, and you want a good laugh, stick around... I am guaranteed to do something worth talking about the next day.

The one thing I don't do at weddings is dress inappropriately. Good appearance makes all the stupid stuff I do easier for people to ignore... at least for a while.

I don't think everyone knows this secret, as this weekend I went to a wedding (I was on my best behavior) and here are two no-nos I quickly picked up on.

#1: Wear 'Nantucket Reds' to a midwest wedding (particularly in Michigan).

#2: Wear a bowtie in the midwest when its clear the fad hasn't caught on yet in these parts, and quite possibly never will.

I will leave the list at this, as for this story you don't need to know more than this.

For those of you who don't know, 'Nantucket Reds' are pants commonly worn in the NorthEast, particularly around yachting areas -- Martha's Vineyard, Cape Cod, Newport, Mystic, etc. They are a dark rose in color, kind of like a deep salmon. Its an odd shade to see on a man if you are not used to it.

Now, one thing that I am enjoying less and less as I get older and go to weddings is the singles table gets smaller and smaller, and for me there are less dancing partners to choose from. This weekend was no exception.

At the rehearsal dinner on Friday night it was clear there were only 5 singletons among us: one of the bridesmaids (so she gets first pick), John (who I was staying with), Troy (friend of the bride's brother), Jimmy (friend of the groom), and me.

I got along just fine with all the guys, but none of them were my type, especially Jimmy who showed up to the rehearsal dinner wearing Nantucket reds, a navy sports jacket, and looked like he just stepped off his sail boat.

However, both the BRIDE and GROOM felt differently. And at one point after dinner was consumed, and dancing began, Ben (groom) started walking and talking with me and Kelly (bride) started walking and talking with Jimmy until we all walked and talked into each other and I could see this was my predetermined wedding date. Fine, its their wedding, I am sure it will be fine. Plus, I had had a few glasses of wine and I could get along with anyone at this point.

Me and George (as I accidentally started calling him) got along fantastic. I can be really funny when I need to be, and tonight was no exception. We laughed and drank, and when we went to another bar I rode with Jim, and became best friends. This was until I decided I needed to go home as I was afraid I might bet sick. I was going home ALONE. And did so.

So the next morning, Julia who was also staying with John and I woke me up with, "Hey Paige, does the term 'salmon pants' mean anything to you?" Oh god. I was pegged as George's girl for the weekend. But who cares, its not like I went home with him or even kissed him. I was friendly and fun and I am sure he had more fun hanging out with me than being alone.

That afternoon as we all boarded the bus for the wedding -- well, Sean, John and I all ran for it as we were late -- who is sitting by his lonesome wearing a bowtie? Salmon Pants! I mean seriously, does everything you have to wear be such a stand-out article of clothing? Its my nature to be nice to be people in this situation, but I often feel like I am digging myself in even more. And Jim/George did not seem to know anyone else so be stuck to my side -- from saying I promised to sit beside him and dance with him the night before (who even asks these questions??!!), telling me what table 'we' are sitting, etc. etc. I was feeling slightly uncomfortable, but didn't want to be mean.

I was a bit rocky anyway from the night before and knew I wasn't going to last long. When there was a call for the last bus to go, and no one was getting on it, I ran to sneak out as I just didn't want to hang out with Salmon Pants any longer. The wedding was great, but I was tired and I wanted to get home and wake up fresh.

So as the bus pulls away, guess who ran and got on at the last minute? Salmon Pants! OMG. Seriously, its a free bus, and I am sure he wanted to go home too, but still... I would have stayed if he was going!

Anyway, Salmon Pants got as close to me as the bus would allow. But just like in New York, I requested two stops, and went home to find my own bed... and my own sweet dream.