For the past three weeks I have been in a very yucky spot -- mentally and emotionally, as most people would love living in NYC. Being someone who likes fluidity, I found myself in a position I don't do very well. I was stuck. Trapped. Held in place. I couldn't move forward as I was waiting on answers. And until those answers came, I was in a holding pattern.
I don't do 'circling' very well. I prefer moving forward. Sometimes I need to side-step to get to the next adventure, but its always about advancing, getting closer to the place I want to be in life.
This Friday, I became unstuck. The answer I had been waiting on, was more than I could hope for. I went from having an "or" to also having an 'and'... basically I have the potential to have my cake and eat it too.
This weekend I was on cloud 9, more for knowing I had a few more months in the city, and a job I would enjoy doing while I was here. I also have the potential for that "90 day job" to become a permanent thing, should I want it.
As the reality continued to set in, it hit me that after 2009 I would no longer be in New York. I don't know exactly where I will be, but it won't be in the big apple. I don't want to be here, that I know, and the position I am being considered for could very easily operate out of London, or Paris, or if I am really, really lucky, Spain.
Knowing my days in NYC are numbered really excites me. There is something else out there for me, I know that. But as this news and the new responsibilities set it... and the blackberry messages come pouring in... I don't know that what I want is more work. I don't know that at the end of 90 days I will want to continue down "this career path"... maybe I really do at this juncture want more. It won't be more money, that is for sure. But more happiness. More real genuine moments. More moments looking people in the eye than having to apologize for looking at a blackberry screen. More moments of breathing in happy thoughts, and exhaling negative ideas. More moments of focusing on me, than wondering what I should be doing for someone else.
I find myself feeling in someways like I am doing another version of 'circling'...circling in this career path, of getting restless, getting offered more money/responsibility, being satisfied for awhile, being pacified with a trip to London or elsewhere, and then getting restless again...Is that what I want?
I did get what I wanted, for the time being. I did get a summer, and now a fall in the big apple. I get to be 'state-side' to help my sister with her festival, attend a concert with my family, and have friends visit from Spain, and run my marathon. And then, I have to jet. I have to go elsewhere. If I do that with my company, or fly solo that is still TBD. And its exciting and frustrating all at the same point... And I know the answer will be staring at me clearly when I need it to be. And until that time, I will go back to my holding pattern.... but this time, I am getting to do what I want while I figure it out. And that is not such a bad place to he holding onto.
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